Sunday, June 16, 2013

Dreading turning 25


This isn’t about running.  Shocking I know, it’s a bit more personal than that.  My 25th birthday is quickly approaching and I’m kind of embarrassed to say that I’m struggling with that.  I know the majority of my readers are older and laughing at this but I think it’s true.  It has taken me a few weeks to come to this conclusion but I think it’s the only thing to explain how I’ve been feeling lately. 

 A little background on me for those of you who are new followers.  I’m a 3rd year grad student working towards my doctorate in Audiology.  I love it. It’s something I truly have a passion for, I really enjoy clinic and don’t mind class that much.  However, recently I think I’ve been having mini emotional breakdowns.

Not too long ago I was in clinic with an elderly man who came in for a routine appointment.  I love the elderly, they’re my favorites because they are so full of stories.  I love the small talk parts of the appointments and the opportunity to learn more about their lives that they’ve lived.  Every single person over the age of 65 will tell you their life story if you let them hahah and some are interesting to say the least.  Well this man lost his wife not too long ago and naturally talked about her during the appointment.  Which is fine and normally I can control my emotions about such things.  However, when he started talking about how much he missed her and how great she was, my eyes started to burn.  I didn’t want to cry in front of him because I felt like that would be unprofessional of me.  I would just occasionally look away and pull myself together.  There were other people in the room with us so this wasn’t too awkward and I didn’t think that noticeable.  I was doing a good job smiling and listening, because these were happy memories he was sharing.  However, when he started talking directly towards me and the other student in the room about the all the great things they used to do together and the importance of marrying for love, I lost it.  The tears just flowed.  I couldn’t help it.  The old man didn’t seem to notice or pay it much mind but I could tell it was making the other student uncomfortable.  At one point he handed me a box of tissues and said “oh allergies are bad this time of year” haha leave it to a guy to try and cover it up like that.  At the end of the appointment the man came up to me and apologized for making me cry and said he could tell I’m a very compassionate young woman.  I can’t believe I cried during that appointment…I’m usually so good with holding it together.  I didn’t cry to a single war story at the VA but I couldn’t hold back the tears at this appointment.

That was crying incident #1 and here is incident #2.  On weekends, I screen the hearing of the newborns at the hospital.  I look forward to it.  Well this weekend while I was screening a newborn baby girl her 2 big brothers walked in the room.  They were probably around the ages of 3 and 5.  You could tell by just looking at them that they were bursting with pride and excitement to be big brothers.  They asked me what I was doing so I told them that I was making sure their little sister could hear them when they talk to her but we have to be very quiet to find out.  The five year-old then whispered back in the most innocent, gentle way “ok, but don’t hurt our little girl.”  It was the cutest, sweetest thing ever and usually I’d probably laugh a little at that.  But this time as I smiled in his direction my eyes started to burn again.  I thought “oh no, I’m not doing this again”.  I could feel tears coming but I quickly looked down and pulled myself together.  That wasn’t something to cry about.

So, why am I having to fight off the burning eyes so much?  I think it’s because I’m getting older and subconsciously want to experience these things in life.  I’m turning 25 in a month, so naturally when I look around I see a lot of my friends getting married and starting a family.  I’ve noticed the increase in engagements and marriages the past year or so but it’s never been something I’d get emotional about. I’ve been content with being what feels like a lifetime student.  But now I’m getting restless.  I just want to be done and to start my life. And the worst part is, is that I feel guilty about feeling this way.  I know I shouldn’t wish away a season of life and that I’m in the right place right now but I want to feel like I’m in the right place.  I think turning 25 makes me feel like the pressure is on.  This might be the first birthday I dread if I don’t hurry and change my mindset.  Lets pause time so I can get my mess together haha
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